WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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