he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
