i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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