what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
