In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
3pm strippers are depressing
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
