You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
