It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I see more hoeing in ur future
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
