i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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