I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
