Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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