a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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