My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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