Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
