I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
