Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
