for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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