i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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