end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize