Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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