im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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