No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
