i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish i was in the wii world.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
