i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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