i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
