just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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