I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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