he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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