my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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