i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Randomize
