Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize