I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
