you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
