i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i love accidental penises.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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