when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
