I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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