I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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