Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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