Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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