Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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