im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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