I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
that may or may not have been my penis.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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