She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
