i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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