I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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