if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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