dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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