there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
