He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I touched a dick in church today
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
