Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
