My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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