i can't believe i had my finger in that
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
