Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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