WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
