i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
