im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
