I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
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