I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
