he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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