Whod you bang
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
