I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
