tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize